Tomorrow is the Melbourne Cup – Rossleigh’s Tips

Ok, I know that many of you will consider the whole Melbourne Cup scene an example of the worst excesses of Western decadence, but to show you that I don’t have to always attack the rich and famous, here are my Cup predictions:

1. The Commentary Team will talk about how lucky they’ve been with the weather.
2. Someone off a Channel 7 show will be asked to give you a tip, which will be one of the favourites. It will lose badly.
3. Race 1 will be won by a very young horse. They will tell you that it was a very cheap buy. Most people won’t realise that they could have bought a very expensive car for the same amount of money.
4. At some point in the day, they will interview the groundsman about how he gets the roses looking so lovely. He will resist the temptation to tell them by using the same stuff that appears in “Today, Tonight”.
5. We will see a shot of someone preparing food. We will be told that a large amount of food is eaten during the Cup Carnival.
6. James Cummings will be interviewed about how unfortunate it was that “Precedent” didn’t get a start. He will say that it’s a shame that they didn’t bend the rules, but he understands that there was no precedent for it. When someone realises the irony, it will be pointed out many times over the rest of the day.
7. “Ruud Awakening” will lead in Race 5. If they don’t catch it, it will win.
8. We’ll have a shot of the farrier working on a horse, and an explanation that horses wear shoes.
9. This will lead to a comment about shoes and fashions on the field.
10. “Roop All” will storm home and win Race 6, but all they’ll talk about is the jockey, Nick Hall, and his connection to Lloyd Williams who owns six runners in the Cup.
11. As they prepare for the Cup, there will be nine mentions about how unfortunate it is that Bart doesn’t have a runner.
12. Dunaden, Dear Demi, and Ethiopia will be fighting out the finish until Voleuse de Coers and Brown Panther storm past them in the shadows of the post.
13. Gai Waterhouse will be interviewed but John Singleton won’t be mentioned, nor will anyone ask her if Tom knows something that we all should.
14. There will be an interview with a Channel 7 “star” that very few people know. He or she will sound like they have had too much champagne, but, in fact, they usually speak loudly about nothing at all.
15. Someone will suggest that after the Cup, this race is an anti-climax.
16. A man will be asked who dressed him and he will reply that he dressed himself. Then say, “No, seriously…” Then name a fashion label.
17. Prior to the last race the camera will pan over people who look very unhealthy and worse for wear, as the commentators say that it looks like people had a great day.
18. We’ll be reminded that Oaks Day is on Thursday, and that it’s traditionally “Ladies Day”, but they’ll forget to explain that’s because the Oaks is a race for three year old fillies.